a-bomb-ination:

I’m just gonna vent for a bit.
I don’t want to sound like the desperate typical starved for attention kids all over this website because that’s just not what I do.
I’m depressed as shit about everything in my life. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a car, I don’t like where my life is going because its going absolutely nowhere. All I think about is how my life sucks, how I hate almost everyone and everything around me at all times, it’s been forever since I’ve been happy and I hate it. I’m ready to find something that makes me happy or someone that makes me happy but I know I can’t find happiness in somebody or something unless I find happiness in myself first and that’s where I’m coming across a problem. With so many negatives in my life at one time I feel like I can never actually let loose and just be free and live. I want to hurt somebody or something at all times and I’m always on edge about something, fixing to snap. I keep looking for things that will set me the fuck off so I can go ballistic and go bat shit crazy so I can feel adrenaline or happiness or whatever the fuck those feelings are, I kinda get them confused more than I should. I want to be happy so bad in my life and I just can’t seem to start down the right road that will lead me to happiness. Maybe this is just a hiccup in the long road I call my life but I’d rather be driving through hell than be where I am right now. I know none of you are actually going to read this because it looks like a college essay explaining why some depressed gay kid wants to kill himself. I’m not suicidal, not yet. And I doubt I ever will be, I just need to relieve a lot of stress that’s built up over a long time of unhappiness and confusion.. I need medicine but I’m scared to even start down that path of antidepressants and pills that numb everything. I know I’m stronger than that and I can’t just rely on medicine to make me happy. I need help, I need a psychiatrist STAT, someone I can just explode my feelings to and rely on them to help me sort things out. FUCK I just want to not fake a smile, or fake a laugh, or even fake excitement anymore but that seems to be the only thing keeping me from looking stupid and weak to people and that’s just an irrational fear of mine biting at my ankles again. If you read all of this I respect you so much for going through the time it took to read this and I hope you are not going through the same situation I am because this fucking sucks.

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